We have touted Ping Pong as a remarkable means of improving body and mind, and we’ve noted how beneficial it can be for those with Parkinson’s Disease. But perhaps that’s just too narrow a view of this sport’s potential benefits. Consider this: Ping Pong (table tennis) can also help you choose a spouse. No kidding! Take me, for example. I was married once. Big mistake. I knew that this … eh, vixen, my ex, might have been the wrong woman from the start, but figured I had nothing to lose. I was thinking that if everything else failed, that at least I could use her as a tax deduction. Was a stupendous, stupid miscalculation. I ended up losing the house, the car … my underwear (she got a court order which prevented me from getting even my size 34 stuff in the drawers). Well, my ex had a better lawyah than me (which is to say, more vicious), but all of that pain in court could have been avoided if only I had known that I could have vetted her out by having her play a game of ping pong. That’s right – ping pong! Look, it’s quite obvious that you can’t tell what a person is like by just taking a cursory look-see. Don’t judge a woman by her cheek bones, okay? Put her to the test: A Ping Pong test.
The principle or basis behind this concept is founded on the idea that psychological and physical pressure will divulge the true character of a person. Consider this: When conditions are benign, almost anyone can behave in a proper and decorous manner. Yeah, people gathering with no black clouds interceding, can be cordial and easygoing. But introduce a noxious, extrinsic element and all of a sudden you can tease out the central fibers of one’s true personality. You may discover that behind the Fairest One of All exterior – your pristine Princess Snow White – lies a Vlad the Impaler interior. And, if that be the case, my friend, woe is you! (You’re about to be impaled.)

Now, I ended up with this former spicy wifey of mine (I thought at the time that she was well seasoned), who got into a snit and beat me up in a foreign country. I didn’t know what my medical insurance would cover overseas, and it turned out to be what they call out-of-pocket, and I ended up the Seine without a paddle. I could have tolerated the brow beating from this snarling, overcontrolling, despotic woman a little longer, but when she actually started beating me in the head and kicking me in the groin, I knew she was looking to deprive me of more precious stuff than my Hanes 34’s. But here’s the thing: If I had only played ping pong with her when we first met, I could have avoided all of that craziness and mayhem. And the contusions. Yeah, I could have deduced from the disinhibition that a game of ping pong affords, that little Miss Snow White was a Janus-faced phony who kept a cleaver by her nightstand (a cleaver with the victim’s name on it – mine!, and … embossed yet!).

We might all agree that what you’re looking for in a spouse or partner is someone who is sweet and modest. It would be nice to have some empathy and affection residing in this prospective person, too, but above all you really need someone who is rational and REASONABLE! (Whack Jobs and Space Cadets need not apply.) Generally speaking, then, you wouldn’t want a woman who plays ping pong with an attacking style, because that will usually foretell a life not characterized by Double Happiness (such as suggested by the brand name of the ping pong tables in the club), but one of Double Trouble, such as sorrow and grief (as suggested by a butcher’s table). Better listen to me, Bunky. You want someone who is fair and compassionate, someone who will give you a mercy point when the score is 10 to zero. All right, then you better listen up. Here’s what you can infer about a woman when playing a game of ping pong with her.
Regarding Honesty: Does she cheat with the score, or do you have to keep saying the score after each point because you don’t trust her. Not trusting her after one or two points is definitely a caution alarm.

Does she play like a bimbo or an airhead, or is she smarter than that? Does she swing wildly – a lunatic with a paddle – kinda like a crazy, senseless ditz or might she play timid-style? I mean you don’t want a mouse, either. Can she focus and concentrate on the game or does she have her head in the clouds? Is she the constant coquette, brushing her hair to one side or the other and looking for a mirror. Does she have a wandering eye, looking at the other players, her eyes wandering over to where the guy with muscles is playing?

Does she have a temper? Does she throw her racket. Does she curse? Does foul language emerge when she’s losing? These are the tips of the iceberg. Foul language usually means you’ve got a harridan on your hands. If she uses the “f” bomb, you’ve got big trouble – trouble, my friend, right there in River City!

Is she emasculating – belittling and demeaning you. Does it seem like she wants to deprive you of your manhood by constantly trying to be the boss and wear the pants – telling you how to play, for example?

Does she respect you? When you have a commanding 8 point lead, does she still keep on saying that you’re just a lucky dude? Or, when you have an 8 point lead, does she ask you to adjust her bra straps? (Just tell her you aint falling for that … unless she’s a D cup – and only then if you think you can win the game without your brain connected.)

Does she have an “attitude.” Does she think she’s God’s gift to table tennis.
Does she have grit (i.e., is she clean and neat)? Well shaven? (no grit) Check her fingernails (long nails can be painful), and don’t forget to get a chromosome check (maybe she’s got a hidden y chromosome or something).
Does she have discipline – the self-control required to play good ping pong.
Does this person blame others for her defeat or complain about how lucky the other guy is.
Does she bear arms (check her bags), or does she have arms like a bear? Either way, you better maintain a canister of pepper spray on your person.

Is she kind? Will she in fact give you that mercy point? Or does she take no prisoners. You want a competitive wife? I don’t. I like submissive. If she wants to beat me, I’d drop her instantly. If she can beat me, I wouldn’t want her around for a millisecond, either (we’re entitled to a little pride – you want to have at least one thing you’re better at).

Is she energetic, or falling asleep and bored. Dump that type – you’re not there for her amusement or entertainment.

Is she generous or self-centered? Does she think of others? Does she pick up other players’ balls and respectfully send them back to their rightful owner, or does she just ignore the balls that come her way or maybe just kick them out of the way with disgust and growls, showing her canines in a Doberman pinscher warning display at the players at the next door table because they’ve interrupted her game with one of their balls. This type is dangerous. Dispose of these quickly.

Is she perchance polite? Does she ever say “Nice shot!” If not, you’ll probably want to unload her at the Pleasantville train station (don’t take her home in your car).
Is she evil or antisocial? Does she spit? If she spits in your direction, that’s a very bad sign (plus it’s unhygienic; the club frowns on this). Does she curse? Does she accuse you of cheating? Does she in fact cheat? Does she shake hands, give you a fist bump at the end of the match or just practice a karate chop on you? (If you’re injured by one of her savage nuggies, don’t let her get into the ambulance with you on the trip to the ER.)
Is she humble? Does she accept defeat. Is she big enough to tell you that you’re better than she is?

Let’s take it one step further. Is she just plain nuts? Does she actually think she can win against a man with your obvious manifest talents? If “yes,” then these are very strong signals telling you to dump the broad post-haste.

Does she show gratitude for the fact that you paid 10 bucks so that she could play at the club in the first place? If she kicks back about your payment, just remind her that George Castanza deserved full credit for paying for Elaine‘s Big Salad (on Seinfeld).

So, then, summing up, it’s quite obvious that you can’t tell what a person is like by just looking at her. Appearances, as they say, can be misleading and unreliable. Just don’t judge a book by it’s cover, okay? Malicious, evil-tempered women – harpies, harridans, termagants – though these may sound like genial bird species, beware, they are decidedly not! And you don’t want birdies like that in your nest, believe me.

Remember this, too: Consistency is key. Anyone can be a gentleman or a gentlelady for a short while, and we can all be fooled some of the time. But it’s more difficult to act well-mannered and courteously for most of the time, and if you’re a Phony Fraud a ping pong match will expose these fakeroodies.

The definition of caring is someone or something that shows kindness and concern for others – offers to pay for the club fee, for example. Does she do that? If that’s not in her personality repertoire, and if she takes an hour and a half taking a shower after the game – while you’re waiting around tearing your hair out (whatever strands are left) because you’re dehydrated and wondering if they’ll save your reservation at the restaurant – then dive for the gates. Skedaddle, pal, before she dries off, otherwise, down the line, you’ll be in court facing her vicious pettifogger(s) (her lawyahs with their pointy Italian shoes) who will be going after your family jewels and bank holdings.

If you generally see a pattern developing during the game of a corrupt and depraved individual – I mean if you’re detecting ruthlessness and more than a whiff of cruelty and savage and unrelenting ferociousness (i.e., you’re getting battered in a ceaseless onslaught), then for god sakes, run as fast as your legs will carry you away from this creature, and earnestly hope that she can’t beat you in your life-preserving sprint toward the exits. Because if she catches you, Bunky, you’re toast. This cursing, spitting, screaming, hissing Spitfire will make your life miserable. Take it from me, a man of such experience who has played the She-Devil, married her and has the scars to prove it… and no underwear.

Famous Lao Du Proverbs (a la Confucius) relevant to this discussion:
You may go fishing with your wife, but that doesn’t mean you want a fishwife.
If you want a woman as pure as Caesar’s wife, ask Caesar to give her a divorce.