We’ve got to get rid of these techno-trick bats and those flimflam artists using them.  Anyone who plays with pips out, for example, should be expelled … and propelled out of the club.   Banished for life.  Post haste.  The only person we should welcome with Pips is Gladys Knight.

      Some people ask me why I give the serve to my opponent  (I don’t in a tournament).  Turns out, I’m not alone in this predilection and it’s not original, either.  I got the idea from a remark by  William Tecumseh Sherman, the civil war general.  He was being considered as a possible Republican candidate for the presidential election of 1884. He declined, saying, “I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected.”  So I won’t serve, either.   (Besides, I got a lousy serve.)

     Those spin serves (e.g., the forehand pendulum sidespin serve, the forehand Tomahawk topspin serve):  It’s cheating; don’t do it.  These guys and their damn technology are kidding themselves.  If they’re so hard up for a point, they should just go and sharpen a pencil. With their advanced techno/ trick bats (rackets), they make it spin like a top.  They make those Gewo  balls spin faster than my washing machine at the end of the cycle.  Pulsars (in the cosmos) also spin, but not nearly as much as what comes off their accursed rackets.  Disgussssting!  I mean it’s truly vile and despicable. (Is that their idea of winning fairly?)  Spin?  You want spin? All right, then go ahead and visit the White House Press Office.

     No one should be allowed to play using a penhold grip.  I say, if you wanna be a penholder than go out and buy a Bic.  Besides, if ya wanna be honest about it, you and I both know that’s  it’s not patriotic.  It’s un-American, is what it is.  C’mon, just shake hands with the racket and play like a man.

     A carbon blade makes a racket stiffer – but if you’re a stiff you’re sweet spot aint gonna be any sweeter.  They should outlaw this kind of stuff.  Just more cheating.

     And remember this.  To thine own self be true … And with a sandpaper racket you can do your nails.   Lao Du