Warning: This is part of the flapdoodle (screwy-hooey) series of blogs by Lao Du. PPP is not responsible for any of it.

If the guy is obviously better than you, than don’t play safe. If you’ve got a put away/killer shot, use it! If your shot doesn’t hit the table, make sure it hits your challenger with a direct blow. Figure something in the 100 mile per hour range. You may have lost the point, but his recalling the image of that ball flying at him at nearly the speed of light could freak him out for the rest of the match. Where to hit him, you may ask? Okay, good question. Option One: I recommend the area between the nose and chin (frequently called the mouth). Specifically, I’m advising going for the epiglottis. This is a flap that covers the windpipe. If you can deprive your opponent of an adequate air supply, then you have a much better chance of achieving the success and happiness you’ve so long strived for. The problem is, to get to the epiglottis, the ball you’ve smashed has to bypass his incisors and his canines. A slight underspin should carry the day. (In case he crushes the ball with his molars, demand that he pay for a new Xuxhaoufa seemless.)

Option Two: If the guy turns out to be very tall, then by all means go for the family jewels. This tactic may come as hideously shocking to you, but I guarantee that it’ll be more shocking to HIM! This will not only tell you something about his reflexes, but it should begin the unnerving process, as well (big time). And, by the way, there’s nothing immoral about making your adversary’s hair curl (instilling the fear of death) because, remember, he’s standing only 9 feet away hoping to do the same or worse to you. It’s part of the game. (If he’s not wearing protection, tough nuggies!) And don’t worry, the ball only weighs 2.7 grams (I just looked it up). Look, admit it, the guy is better than you, so this is your best chance for winning – going for the TKO. No need for guilt and remorse because it’ll be good for him, too. If your killer shot finds the target, he’ll probably land a job in a Broadway chorus line as a soprano (you should demand the theatrical agent’s 10 percent).

Today’s pop quiz: Q: Should you give a ‘mercy point’ when you’re ahead 10-0? Answer: Are you nuts? Of course not! Instead, find out where the guy’s jugular is, and go for it.

And remember – you heard it here first. Lao Du