You know anybody who’s bought one of those Fitbits or any of the knockoff fitness trackers that have caught on with two-legged lemmings (a subspecies of homo sapiens)? I do. I know two of these gadget devotees … and I can tell you categorically that they’re both NUTS! We’re talkin’ big league nuts. Lemmings, as everyone knows, suffer from mass extinctions because they jump off cliffs (this may not be true, but let’s just say it is for this metaphor). Well, guess what? The lunatics wearing these faux watches, will also jump off cliffs if only to get their 10,000 steps in. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s crazy.

In case you don’t know (in case you’ve been hibernating), these sensory machines can do a lot of things (that you don’t need). Lots of people will tell you that they can do ANYTHING or, at least, almost anything. For example, they can tell you how many calories you’ve burned and it can give you data about your sleep. Listen to this amazing news: The Fitbit can tell you if you’re sleeping or if you’re awake!!! (Do I really need this gizmo to tell me that? Huh?) Hey, maybe it’s good for sleepwalkers, who knows. Maybe you can do 10,000 steps while you’re asleep? Great.

You can even use it for swimming, too. They made ‘em waterproof. Wow! And get this: There’s a “coach” (according to the manufacturer) inside the thing (he must be a liliputian) that tells you what swimming stroke you’re using (you mean you wouldn’t know?), your speed and distance and maybe how much water you’ve swallowed. (The expensive model may tell you how much more swimming pool water you need to drink before achieving a lethal amount of chlorine.)

What I wanna know is, how the hell has mankind been able to cope without an oximeter on his wrist for the last 60,000 years? And why does ‘modern man’ (and all his little lady friends) require precise information about his VO2 (oxygen consumption) while he is running? Answer: He (and She) doesn’t. It’s all junkola.

All right, now I’ll tell you what these little machines can’t do. Are you listening? It won’t tell you what an idiot you are for buying this thingamajig. Take it from Lao Du, you don’t need it. Just put on some grey sweat pants and get your ass to the track and start running.

You heard it here first. Lao Du